Years ago when I was younger than now, I sacrificed myself a
lot. I went out to the coffee shop with ‘friends’ that I didn’t even speak
often with, just for the sake of maintaining good and healthy relation with
them, and I ended up counting every second passed, telling stories without
meanings, sipping drink that I don’t like just because they convinced me to try
it, and wishing that I can teleport right to my room on that exact moment. I
sacrificed my time, money, energy, and feelings for people that unfortunately
were not worth it. Until now I don’t know whether to laugh or cry remembering
those moments when I spent my saving money to watch movies I don’t like, buy
clothes that I knew I would never wear, just because my other ‘friends’ did the
same and I was too afraid to lose friends. Quantity over quality, classic.
Things got worse when fake smile turned into the disability
to say no. I often found myself trapped in a situation where they asked me for
help and I made one of the biggest mistakes in my life, put other people first
and ignore myself. And the worst of all? Felt angry to myself for being angry
to other people that did me wrong. My life came crashing down when I entered
the early adult stage – the stage where I desperately trying to find myself
when at the same time my real self got dragged away in order to adjust with
mainstream society.
I’m not an expert of youth life behavior and I can’t say if
that ‘lost’ feeling you feel as you grow up is compulsory if you want to be a
complete adult, but one thing for sure, that feeling destroyed me. I spent
months trying to figure myself out while at the same time still making same old
mistakes. Until one day it just clicks. There was light at the end of the
tunnel and I just realized what was important and what wasn’t. I learned to
care less about what other people think of me and focused more about what I
think of myself. And then I remembered all those people that made my life to be
such a mess and that made me think things would never recover.
From that moment on, I took baby steps to really apply the
motto ‘forgive but not forget’ and live my life just the way I needed it to be.
I started to chose watching my favourite TV shows over going to club on Saturday
night, stop pretending I like chai latte even though people are obsessed with
it, splurge my money to buy geeky novels and say no to the girl offering me
latest issue of Nylon. All just because I want it to. Even so, I didn’t become
completely ignorant. It sounds cliché, but sometimes it’s me, not them.
I can briefly say that, yes, I do cut a lot of people out of
my life – some of them even are my family members. And when I’m not saying that
it’s completely right to do so, here I just want us all to be a little selfish
when it comes to our own happiness. After all, we’re not here to please other
people and pretending that we like Star Wars despite all those confusing plots certainly
doesn’t help. When it comes to cutting some people out of my life for good, I
do such things. First, I evaluate my
relationship with them. Do they respect me? Do I respect myself when I’m with
them? Do I enjoy spending time with them? What impacts do they give in my life
and what don’t? Do they force me to eat peanut butter when I feel like Nutella?
If so, then I proceed to second harder
decision – letting them out of my life for good. It hurts, especially if you
rip them like a Band-Aid on your skin. But I believe in the power of time and
how they heal everything and once you learn how to be happy, you won’t tolerate
being around people who make you feel anything less.
As for now on, I just stick with what I have been doing and
start to do things for myself, not for other people. One thing for sure that
I’m currently learning is that as you getting older, you will no longer have energy
for meaningless friendships, forced interactions, and unnecessary
conversations. Just do what you feel is right and makes you happy, maintain and
surround yourself with people that you love and love you back, and the rest
will fit perfectly into places.
